Sunday, November 06, 2005

We know when we're not wanted.


As part of the grand anthropological experiment that is the Liquid Ghost Tour,
Ricky, Shelby and I enjoyed a visit to the local mall in Raleigh, N.C. As we wander farther from the safety of the mean streets of Gotham, we have come to find ourselves with a steadily increasing consumer itch that only malls and truckstops seem to scratch.

Despite the warnings of the sign on the door that our kind were very unwelcome, we extinguished our smoking materials, stowed our pamphlets and weapons (including a my new katana sword with “Virginia is for Lovers” laser etched into it’s scalpel sharp blade) in the Sweet Grievous Black Angel and set forth boldly in search of a digital camera. Shelby lost the last one in a bar bet that while painful to lose, was amazing to see performed live up close (So many ping pong balls, and such a petite lady.) We on the Tour feel it imperative to record our activities in as much detail as possible since extortion is a nasty enough business to begin with, let alone further sullying it with shoddy audio visual work. Also we had a very hard time when we were blackmailing people with drawings on bar napkins and etch-a-sketch renderings.

So, camera acquired, we set off to enjoy the “Main St.” of the 21st century. It would seem that there are a great number of policies that they don’t see fit to put on the entrance doors.
To whit:
  • Shirtless disco dancing is forbidden in just about every store. The explanation we were given was that body glitter really messes up the floor waxing equipment.
  • Hiding in Anne Klein clothing displays and leaping out at strangers; no go.
  • Inserting any body part other than your arm into the blood pressure vending machine cuffs will result in false readings.
  • Using a Sharper Image Taser, even on a Sharper Image employee, makes the Sharper Image Manager appear with the Sharper Image Pepper-spray-that-looks-like-a-leather-bound-Charles-Dickens-book(patent pending.)
  • Punching toddlers, though not explicitly forbidden, is frowned upon.
  • Likewise, punching seeing eye dogs.
  • Piercing Pagoda only does ears.
  • Mini-bikes and go-karts may only be ridden in a clockwise direction in the Food Court (By the way, if Food Court was like Traffic Court all the restaurants in the Food Court would be heavily fined.)
  • Even though someone is not really a cop, they still beg for mercy if you hold their own gun on them.
Our new digital camera was crushed whilst I attempted to scare a gentleman out of his cheesecake from The Cheesecake Factory.

1 comment:

Dave Himself said...

Ok I am ready for more blog entries. And MUCH more pictures. Could ya dump a bunch some where? Flickr perhaps.